


Five times Mike Zacharius almost died (and one time he did)

by Azturial



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: 5 Times, Canonical Character Death, M/M, omg why
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-29
Updated: 2014-05-29
Packaged: 2018-01-27 01:14:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,455
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1709597
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Azturial/pseuds/Azturial
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You’re alive and Erwin is right beside you, as always. And it would be so easy to reach his face and cup his cheek and make your lips collide like you did when you were sure fear was just a word and not a clenching feeling in your chest; it would be so easy, so easy…</p>
<p>Except it’s not.</p>
<p>(Or five times Mike greeted death and one time she welcomed him.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Five times Mike Zacharius almost died (and one time he did)

**Author's Note:**

> It's the first time I publish something in here and I'm so nervous, omg.  
> I’m literally the worst. Kill me now. You will want to kill me when you finish reading, trust me. And yeah, it’s an EruMike because I’m lame like that and they deserve more love. …not sure this is the best way, though.  
> Anyway, I was teasing Einar with this title but end of semester is a bitch and I had had no time to finish it. I guess being in bed with a fever is the best way to get my muses to work. I have two exams today and ugh what am I doing with my life.
> 
> Enjoy. Or not. Really, kill me.
> 
> (Crossposted to my [tumblr](http://deansautophobia.tumblr.com/post/87179128917/five-times-mike-zacharius-almost-died-and-one-time-he))

5.

First day of trainee camp is nothing as you had imagined. There is so much noise and people and your nose is a little confused because  _what is that smell_. You are exited even when the other trainees seem to watch you with weary eyes. You are tall, after all, and you have a stern face.

You like to smile, though, it’s just you do it when you have a real reason to.

They gather you up in a lone field and a man with a perpetual frown stands in front of you all and makes you get in line and salute. He starts wandering between the lines, sometimes shouting at an unfortunate soul that just shivers and whimpers and cries out its hometown and purpose. You smile a little, smelling the different emotions your to-be-partners display.

_Fear, nervousness, terror, excitement._

“…name is Erwin Smith, sir!”

You can’t help but turn your head to see the boy that just talked. Your nose twitches in concentration, but you can’t get a grip of the scent of that boy. You can smell the terror in the boy next to him, and the stiffness in a girl further than him, but when you try to focus on the blond boy talking, you come up with a blank space. It’s as if there was nothing there. Well, not nothing, you can smell the rough fabric of the uniform, the soft leather of his boots; you know he’s there but you can’t smell  _him_. Not his emotions, not his personal scent,  _nothing_.

It’s like hitting a Wall and you’re not one for sticking to the ground.

“What the…” You barely register the instructor cursing as you appear next to the blond boy and lean a little to inhale. Still nothing, you think with a frown.

You do it again, with the same results, and it’s starting to really bother you. The blond boy (Erwin Smith, was it?) stares at you with a questioning look, but he doesn’t look like he’s freaking out. Everyone freaks out a little when you sniff them, you think warily, they don’t seem curious about it. Why does he looks like he’s curious?

That’s the moment when you realize you completely forgot you were supposed to be in line and be a good little soldier, not a smell freak… and the instructor is completely beyond himself.

“You… you will run laps until you die… and then some more”, he sputters almost vibrating with anger, and the first thing you think is  _I didn’t even say my name_.

.

“You could use some of this,” is the first thing you hear as you enter the barracks and a nervous candle light turns on, illuminating the face of Erwin Smith, who apparently had been waiting for you.

You don’t have energy to do more than nod and collapsing on the floor with a thud. The instructor wasn’t kidding when he told you you would run until you died. You are almost entirely sure you are dead already.

“You were sniffing me.” Oh, and Erwin Smith in front of you, offering you a bit of water, is just a not-so-funny joke from God or whoever runs that place.

You say nothing and just pass out.

* * *

4.

“…Zacharius.” The voices are calling you name and they are so far away. No, your nose tells you they are right beside you, but your nose can be wrong for once, can’t it?

…sure.

You open his eyes and it’s like trying to lift Wall Maria with your bare hands. You still do it, though, because you heard his voice and his concern and you know he’s beside you. Okay, you didn’t hear his voice because he didn’t say a word but you know he’s just a few steps from you and he is concerned. Probably.

When your eyes are focused enough, you watch your instructor in front of you, carrying a big frown and muttering something about useless children and their idiotic ways. Erwin is beside him, watching you without blinking.

“Come on, Zacharius, you’ve got to go to the infirmary, you’re bleeding your guts out”, he says, pulling you to get you on your feet, and you know you’re not bleeding out… but maybe the world is a bit odd. Like, with all the twisting and so. Yeah, that’s not normal at all.

As you walk back to the camp, you almost fall several times and Erwin gets beside you to help you walk. The instructor rolls his eyes and huffs, but says nothing.

“You crashed against a tree.” Erwin comments, as if talking about the weather. You nod in response and immediately regret it: your whole world stumbles. Erwin raises an eyebrow. “How could you crash, Mike? You’re the best with the gear.”

You frown a little and try to remember, but it’s a little blurry.

“Nile,” you say suddenly. Nile had been teasing you about your nose and what you could do with it, and so he cornered you into a  _wonderful plan_ that involved some kind of herb mixture that would take away your smell for a few hours. It would have been fine, if you’d just cleaned the stables like you were supposed to, but then there was a surprise attack simulation and you had to go into the woods and it was right there where you noticed your sight was shit. Complete shit. And you didn’t have your nose to save you.

So  _of course_  you crashed against a tree.

Erwin looks at you and nods curtly, like he expected something like that (even when you haven’t even told him what it was all about). He probably did, though. You’ve been squad partners for almost three years, you know him well and he probably knows more about you that you ever will in your lifetime. But it’s okay. You didn’t die back there in the woods, and Erwin’s strong arm is surrounding you to keep you from falling.

It’s okay.

* * *

3.

When you enter your new room in the Survey Corps headquarters, you can’t help but sniff it and smile a little. It’s a small room, with spare furniture and itchy sheets, but… well, ending first and second in your class had to have its perks. After sleeping for three years with all the other boys at the barracks, being in a room with just Erwin by your side is  _glory_. No more strange smells to bother your sleep, no more snores in the middle of the night, just Erwin’s steadiness across the room.

“We’re here.” Erwin voice seems neutral, but you can catch the fire in it. You nod, taking your bag to one of the beds and leaving it there. You know how much you two have worked to get here, how much you’ve lost (Nile crosses your mind again, but you shake your head to get rid of the thought), how much you’ve waited.

“Don’t die, Erwin,” you say, and start putting your clothes in order. He says nothing and you stare at the wings in the back of your uniform.

_Freedom, freedom, freedom._

.

The night after your first mission outside the walls, you know everything’s changed. You’re no more eager trainees wanting to go outside and fly with these mechanical wings, wanting to change things, wanting to make humanity’s hope grow. You’re hollow soldiers trembling, stinking of fear and blood and hearing the screams of their comrades as they get eaten. You’re two lost boys with red behind closed eyes, laying on the same bed but barely touching, staring at the ceiling with lost eyes.

“We didn’t die,” you hear Erwin say, and you let out a sigh.

“We didn’t die,” you reply. Yes, you’re alive, alive and Erwin is right beside you, as always. And it would be so easy to reach his face and cup his cheek and make your lips collide like you did in cold nights in the barracks, when you were sure fear was just a word and not a clenching feeling in your chest; it would be so easy, so easy…

Except it’s not.

Except Erwin is breathing steadily by his side, not trembling. Except Erwin is breathing it all in, the fear, the blood, the loss, the screams; he’s breathing in  _reality_. He’s not breathing in  _you_ , he’s leaving you outside all of it. He’s not breathing in your shaky breath nor your muffled kisses nor your skin nor those words you whisper only when you’re drunk of him.

He’s leaving you, even if you’re by his side  _(as always, always, always)_ , and knowing that kills you inside.

* * *

2.

When you think about it, it was a very bad idea. A very bad idea with definitely not bad results, but a very bad idea nonetheless. The way Erwin watches you as you lay still in your hospital bed reminds you it was a bad idea, even when what all the nurses see are his calm manners and polite smile (and you can’t blame yourself when your heart skips a beat, because Erwin is  _worried_ , he’s worried and he’s watching you and he’s showing a flicker of emotions,  _real_  emotions, not his calm façade, and it’s because of you).

“Is Helena alright?” is the first thing you ask when they let him in. Your leg is in a cast and you have bandages around your head but it’s alright. You’re alright. Erwin’s there and you’re alright.

“She’s in another room, still unconscious, but nurses tell me she’s out of danger,” Erwin answers and sits in the uncomfortable chair beside your bed. You nod and yawn. Being held up at a hospital is incredibly tiresome, you wouldn’t have believed it before.

“You disobeyed direct orders, Mike,” Erwin stares at you and you just hum appreciatively. You know you disobeyed orders, and you also know Erwin’s not actually that concerned about it.

“I helped her,” you retort. Your ego’s not big enough to say you  _saved her_ , but you helped her scape from a titan and that’s a fact. You managed to break your leg in the process and almost get eaten, but there’s always a downfall.

Erwin watches you intently and then smiles and shakes his head, because he’s thinking  _you’re such a softy_. You try to memorize every line of his smile and the little dimple in his cheek, because you haven’t seen a smile like that in  _years_  and you didn’t know you missed it this much.

“Rest now, Mike, we need you to get better as soon as possible,” Erwin says, patting your leg carefully.

You try not to hear  _humanity_  in his  _we_ , trying to hear  _I_  instead.

* * *

1.

Erwin’s office is right beside his chambers. You remember those times in the barracks, even more those times where you shared a room as newbies in the corps. Lately, as you watch the new recruits being all lively and fired up, you’ve been missing the times you were like that as well, when the man in front of you sitting behind his desk was no more than a boy with a soft smile and pure words. Both of you had the highest hopes and the strongest will. You still have the strongest will, but you have tasted too much reality to keep the innocent hopes of your youth.

You still have the strongest will, you still love humanity with fearsome passion, you still dream of freedom, but you’re not children anymore.

“Sometimes it’s a chess game, Mike.” Erwin’s voice is neat and you do nothing but stare at him in silence.

You realized long ago that the boy you fell in love with turned into the man you would love all your life, but they were not the same. Bright eyes turned into masks and soft smiles turned into calm faces and pretty speeches. _Erwin_  turned into  _Commander_ , but you were still there, waiting ‘till the end of the line. You would always wait, right beside him.

You are loyal beyond reason and you will be beside him even if it kills you.

“Are you winning?” You ask it without ill intent, just to make Erwin talk some more. He smiles with the sort of smile you hate. It’s fake and it doesn’t reach his eyes. It is a  _Commander_  smile, not an  _Erwin_  smile.

“Who knows?” he answers, signing some papers as you watch him.

You wonder when it started, when  _Erwin_  started getting buried in thick layers of  _duty_  and  _responsibility_  and  _need_  until there was no way out, until  _Commander_  was all it was left. You wonder when you stopped worrying about it, when you started seeing it as something natural. You wonder if you could have stopped it.

It’s in that moment when you notice your chest’s hollow and it crosses your mind that maybe when  _Erwin_ was buried,  _Mike_  was buried as well.

* * *

_0._

_As long as they keep on fighting, our defeat is not certain._

You’re shaking.

_As long as they keep on fighting, our defeat is not certain._

You know you’re going to die.

_As long as they keep on fighting, our defeat is not certain._

It should be a glorious death. You had imagined it lots of times, you should die fighting and taking as many titans as you can with you. You should die protecting humanity, your team, your commander. It should be the death of a silent hero. The death of a soldier. But when finally faced with it, you scream in fear and you can’t help the tears streaming down your face.

Because you’re just human.

Your death is certain and all you can think is  _it’s not fair, not fair, it was not supposed to end like this_. The rational part of your mind knows it was _always_ meant to end like this, but deep down, beneath the soldier in you, you had hoped death would be merciful and sweet. You had hoped you could live beside him for years and years, with soft kisses and the smiles you thought you had forgotten.

You had hoped you could die in his arms.

You hear yourself screaming as if it was someone else, the pain of being torn apart traveling through your body for a moment and then… then there is nothing.

_Wise smiles._

Nothing.

_Blond hair._

Nothing.

_Blue eyes._

Nothing.

_I love you._

Your body feels numb as your consciousness starts to fade, and all you can think is you never got to say it. He knew, of course he knew, he always knew, but you never  _said_  it.

_As long as he keeps fighting, defeat is not a possibility._

.

You die with his name in your lips.

He doesn’t even know.

**Author's Note:**

> So. Thanks for reading and please if you find some kind of error, PLEASE tell me. English's not my first language and I really want to improve.


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